Pick your battles carefully
some things are not worth fighting over
There are some days I think I have this parenting thing all sorted out. My teens seem happy, my tween is happy, Hubby seems happy and I am looking like I have everything under control. I wake up the next day and BAM – everything I thought was going well has turned to shit. I feel like some days all I do is fight with everyone. Learning how to pick your battles is a skill I am trying to master so I can show up in this world the way I want to show up.
The kids are fighting and absolutely hating each other.
Hubby is giving me stink eye cause I keep blogging playing on my phone.
Even the dog is annoyed with me for some reason I will never understand.
Pick your battles they say. Well, I’m trying to pick the right ones and sometimes I get it right while other times I should just pack a bag and hibernate. Raising teenagers is bloody hard.
Each child in my house is at a different stage and requires different levels of attention and space. What is good for one child is not good for the others. No one told me parenting teenagers would be so confusing and a skill I needed to master was how to pick your battles.
When my children were little, I was able to discipline them, teaching them what was right and what was wrong. Little children are quick learners (if they are in the right frame of mind) and most of the time life would sort itself out pretty quickly. I wouldn’t stand for kids talking back to me. I wouldn’t stand for telling little white lies. I wouldn’t back down when they had misbehaved. The funny thing is I have taught them to be strong and independent but when they exercise these skills – I sometimes think, “No, be strong on someone else’s time.”Recently we have encountered a few interesting battles and I am learning how to pick which ones are worth fighting over and which ones I need to shut up about and let it go.
- I won’t fight over what they choose to wear (so far not really short skirts have entered the wardrobe)
- I won’t fight over answering back anymore
- I won’t tell them off when they are being rude if they have had a shitty day.
- I pretend to don’t hear swear words anymore (unless Grandma is around and then I pretend to mother of the year).
- I pretend their bedrooms don’t exist most of the time (unless I smell such a stench I can’t handle it anymore).
- I have let go of the food pantry – hopefully what I have taught them about making good choices most of the time has worked.
Honestly, I feel like my parenting has done a full 360. What I use to be very strict about, I’ve had to let go or we will be fighting ALL THE TIME. I tell myself often to ‘Pick your Battles Nat’ –Is this one worth getting into an argument over?
These are the skills I need when it comes to being able to pick your battles carefully:
- Understand your child’s personality.Some kids will argue for the sake of arguing, so limiting what you argue about helps you keep one step ahead. Some kids shy away from arguing, backing down immediately. Some kids know just what to say to make you think they are listening but in fact will do the opposite. Depending on the personality, will depend on how often and what I choose to head into a battle over.
- What is the result I am after?Understanding what outcome I desire helps me determine whether I should be arguing or not. If I am simply after an “I am right – you are wrong” result – not worth the fight. If I am after a lesson learnt that may impact them for health or safety reason – the battle is worth it. If it is something I know I am never going to achieve, don’t bother starting it the first place.
- Is the timing right?We all know with children, especially moody teenagers, you need to pick the right time if you really want to achieve a positive outcome. Timing can be the difference between having an awesome parenting moment and a complete breakdown in communication.
- Is it something that can end in a compromise?Arguing with your children is never nice and as they get older and more independent, everything becomes negotiable. Learning how to negotiate so everyone feels like they have won has taught my kids to respect what I want and I respect what they want. If this respect is lost, so too is the trust and negotiations turn into a demand/ control, system.
- Limit your strict rules.I use to work with lots of rules (probably way too many) but now I have only a few that are strict rules. By taking the pressure off myself and my kids, I have found that most of the time, our house runs quite smoothly. They all know what rules are there for their safety or mental health and the reason I have them.
Raising teenagers is a lot harder than I ever imagined and I am only at the start of my journey. Each day (well maybe every other day) I learn something new about one of the children and how they are handling life in the modern world. Some days I am picking the right battles and other days I make the biggest mistake ever fall back into arguing over something that in reality – is irrelevant. But I am learning.
How do you pick your battles with your children?
Have a wonderful day.
Linking up with Kylie for #IBOT and Leanne @ DeepFriedFruit
There are no wiser words for parenting teens. I find it interesting what people will argue over (I end up thinkning ‘We’d be fighting all the time if I worried about that!” But it means you can say NO or hold your ground with less resistance on the big ones…fingers crossed.
That’s so true Lydia. When I say no to something – I mean it. And I will admit, it is not often. Teens are more challenging in looking after their emotional side but when you set ground rules – they are the best fun.
Great tips! Will bookmark in case I need these at some point, Miss 18 has been a dream and I have not had any issues. So far Mr 14 is also a dream …but I say that touching lots of wood. xo
Oh I love that we still touch wood… I know I do. LOL always prepare for battle – even if you never need it.
I wish my husband could get this! learning to pick my battles and not argue with him has changed my reactions to the teenager, and made life a little more bearable.
I hear you Cate. I have said to my Hubby on many occasions – it’s not worth it. Let this one go. Slowly it starts to change.
Haven’t got teenagers but have been one and these are great tips. I guess life with threenagers is like most mumming (and dadding) a giant learning curve. By the looks of things, you got this!
Even as little kids, we need to pick our battles. Winning isn’t important – it’s keeping everyone happy, healthy and safe.
Gosh I think these tips apply as much to teenagers as they do to my primary school aged children! Pick your battles is something I always remind myself otherwise I think we would be at loggerheads all the time. Now, do you have any tips for a threenager because some days I think she has way more attitude than her older siblings combined! haha
So true Erika. No one wants to keep arguing with their children and setting boundaries young helps negotiate boundaries when they get older.
I am seriously dreading the teen years, my eldest is already so sassy & moody (especially after long days at school!) that it’s going to be a very interesting time, indeed! The best advice I was given by my Mum when she was born was to pick your battles, so you’ve definitely hit the nail on the head here. There are some things that I won’t compromise on, but others? Not worth the fight. Some people can’t understand why I let my kids wear such crazy outfits and odd socks all the time, I honestly don’t understand why anyone would fight with a child over what they wear?! As long as it’s mostly seasonally appropriate they can have at it! There is nothing worse than trying to reason & argue with a 4-year-old who has their heart set on wearing something particular!
#teamIBOT
I totally agree about arguing over clothing. I don’t do that now and never did it then. It is a choice they are capable of making. Often my kids will ask me if what they are wearing is suitable but I love teenage fashion (ok not all the time) and it shows their personality.
Some very good points here Natalie! I’m out the other side of the teen years. My youngest turns 23 today! The worst part of the teen years for me was when I started getting “I’m 18, you can’t tell me what to do”. That is a very hard thing to come to terms with as a parent. All those years protecting them and guiding them and selecting what was right or wrong for them can no longer continue. You have to trust you have instilled some sense into them and step back. It was the hardest part of parenting I’ve encountered so far. #TeamLovinLife
Oh Min, I am about to hit the 18 year old – in a few days. My baby (or eldest) turns 18 and not sure how I will handle that one.
Oh Natalie, what a post which resonated so well with many. I hear you and it is a long time since we parented teens but even grandparenting early teens had their issues for me. “Where is that loving child” I would think. Then of course, I did know..morphing into a teen then adult is both confusing and confrontational to them and us. You are writing with such clarity that I know you are doing a fine job!
Denyse x
Thanks Denyse, your wise words definitely help. It is such a challenging time for both sides – but mainly the teens and I think it’s my job to be the adult (well most of the time anyway)
Oh boy is it ever!!! I totally agree with #5 as I used to be such a strict disciplinarian when my kids were teens and this was mainly due to living up to what I thought others might think of me as a mother. Now that my kids are both adults I often regret that I was so strict, because they both never really gave me too much grief. I wish you lock with your journey through the teens! #TeamLovinLife
I was strict for the same reason. It was just my belief system and I didn’t realise I had the power to change it.
Natalie, this has been a big one for me on the work front this year. I was employed to work on a big project and it’s fine. As is another I’m working on. But there’s a smaller activity which is a nightmare. I’m essentially just a conduit and not entirely happy about the person who’s project managing it and the decisions they make but they’re a difficult person so someone recommended that I pick my battles and I’m trying to do just that! It’s hard though. #teamlovinlife
Picking battles is easier said than done but with practise & understanding how it affects you, it becomes a beautiful artform.